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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I got this forwarded to me in an email and it was too good not not to share!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007
editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes
to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought
Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps; Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I oopened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin And Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting riflle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer or
Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flex-Wings,I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bull***t.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

2 comments:

Kilikina said...

Lindsey, I haven't laughed so hard in forever.. I had tears streaming down my face - at work - trying to control my out burst. That was hysterical.

Kelly said...

That's funny! I like the part about "vehicular manslaughter is wrong".
On the upside, one of the best things about pregnancy is no need for feminine products for many months...aahhh. but the hormones still rage! :)